


To Do: Conquer Galaxy

by draconicsockpuppet



Category: Star Control (Video Games), Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Goose Defeats Final Boss By Stealing Plot Relevant Whatsit; Becomes New Final Boss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23879728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconicsockpuppet/pseuds/draconicsockpuppet
Summary: Giving the Talking Pet to the Umgah was aterribleidea.
Relationships: Captain & Aliens (Star Control)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 13
Collections: Minigame: Round 1





	To Do: Conquer Galaxy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alana/gifts).



"We are wondering, have you met with the Umgah recently? We entrusted an injured Talking Pet into their care and we were curious about its progress."

Captain Zelnick blinked. The Arilou had given the Talking Pet to the Umgah? Not good. Sure, they had great biotechnology, but their sense of humor was… concerning.

* * *

"Welcome, Earthling!"

"What did you do with the Talking Pet?"

The Umgah envoy giggled, a high, creepy sound. "It wasn't much fun, so we spliced it into a more interesting creature. An Earth creature, in fact!"

Captain Zelnick didn't like the sound of that at _all_. "You'd better show me."

The viewscreen switched to an image familiar to any who'd been raised on barnyard fables: a white goose. The Talking Pet's tentacles waved from underneath its wings.

**_HONK!_ **

"Dnyarri-Honk is our ruler now," the Umgah envoy said. "We're all fine here. Everything's fine. You should go."

* * *

"The Melnorme told us the Taalo Shield should protect against any psychic compulsion," Captain Zelnick complained. "So why isn't it working?"

The _Vindicator_ 's viewscreen shuddered on. "Good to see you, Captain!" the Umgah envoy said. "Have we got a prank for you!"

There was a _bzzzt_ , and then there was a goose with tentacles standing on the _Vindicator_ 's bridge next to the captain.

"Have fun fighting the Ur-Quan!" The Umgah envoy waved a tentacle, giggled, and cut off the transmission.

 ** _Honk!_** went the goose.

"What am I supposed to do with _this_?"

The goose flapped its wings, honked, knocked Captain Zelnick down, and plucked his rank insignia from his chest. Then it opened up a transmission with the fleet.

**_Honk! Honk!_ **

"Acknowledged," said every captain in the fleet as one. "Setting course for Delta Crataris IV."

"This isn't right," said Captain Zelnick, but no one listened.

* * *

The goose stole a Spathi Eluder once the fleet had arrived at Delta Crataris IV and quickly took off with the Ur-Quan fleets following. Captain Zelnick gave a sigh of relief as he took the helm again.

The battle against the Sa-Matra was long and furious, and many ships were lost. Yet at the end, Captain Zelnick and the _Vindicator_ survived, and the Sa-Matra did not.

Just then, a fleet shimmered out of hyperspace. By their markings, the Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah and Kzer-Za had resolved their differences, and they vastly outnumbered Captain Zelnick's surviving vessels.

A transmission window opened on the viewscreen. In it, an Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah captain stood by that damned goose.

 ** _Honk!_** went the goose.

"Do you … have any bells?" asked the Ur-Quan captain.

Captain Zelnick squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and let it out. When he opened his eyes, the goose and the Ur-Quan were still there. Waiting. "No, we don't have any bells," he said, absolutely truthful.

The Ur-Quan captain looked at the goose.

 ** _Honk honk!_** The goose flapped its wings.

"Do you know … where we could find … bells?"

 _Earth_ , thought Captain Zelnick. "No."

"Earth," said the Ur-Quan captain. "Thank … you."

The viewscreen went blank.

The combined Ur-Quan fleet jumped to hyperspace.

Captain Zelnick sat down and buried his head in his hands. "Fuck."

* * *

Earth quickly began manufacturing a massive amount of bells, but somehow all of them went missing immediately. The Ur-Quan fleet devoted itself to protecting the center of bell production. In response, the Spathi started producing bells as well in hopes of gaining Ur-Quan protection. Meanwhile, the Umgah were having a grand old time cloning the Dnyarri-goose.

Captain Zelnick didn't get the outcome he'd been hoping for, but Earth was free and genocide was off the table. Their new galactic overlord wasn't _so_ bad.


End file.
